Tag Archives: advice

How to Fight Fair

Image source: Google (labeled for re-use with modification)

Image source: Google (labeled for re-use with modification)

I could feel my face heating up in splotches, flushing into an unflattering shade of sriracha-sauce red. My vision blurred as the water began to well up in my eyes.

I choked a little as I hiccupped and gasped, squeezing my eyes tight to try to stop the tears from falling, but they eventually won the battle and ran down my cheeks in salty triumph. Feeling embarrassed, I hastily used the back of my hand to wipe away the remaining liquid betrayal from my eyes.

“Why are you crying?”

Attempting to prevent the loud kind of sobs that often accompany an ugly-cry, I started to mumble in between shuddering breaths: “Because… I’m angry, but I don’t have the words to express why…so my emotions have nowhere to go except out my eyeballs!*” The end of the statement came out more like a wail than intelligible words.

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The scenario above is a true one from many moons ago, when I was working through a disagreement with my beau at the time. Suffice to say my verbal communication skills were not very polished and needed improvement. Over time, though, I learned a lot about the importance of clear communication, honesty, integrity, kindness and generosity.

Whether you’re single or spoken for, I believe there’s still a lot of great information out there about how to be a great partner. So in the spirit of continuous improvement, I asked a few trusted individuals in long-term, healthy relationships for their best advice on how to fight fair. Here’s what they had to say:

  • Watch your tone. “I try to control the tone and rate of the way that I speak – it goes a long way in deescalating a situation. Once you go there [to yelling], everything gets heightened. Instead of raising my voice, I take a pause and remember to speak in a calm, respectful tone.”
  • Take a breather. “It’s wonderful to be able to hit the pause button, especially if it seems like the conversation is going in circles or if it’s getting really late into the night and you’re exhausted. Your partner needs to be willing and OK with taking a break too, though. Rather than just walking away in a huff, I tell my significant other that I need some time alone to think and that I’ll revisit the issue.”
  • Walk the talk. “Sometimes I find it easier to talk to my partner when we’re walking outside. It feels less like a pressure cooker and since we’re in public, it’s an automatic reminder to keep our voices respectful.”
  • Listen. “Sometimes when an argument heats up, each person is so eager to get their point across that they begin interrupting and not listening to what the other person has to say. It’s important to pause and engage in active listening so that you can hear what your partner is saying. It’s also helpful if you make an effort to see the issue from their perspective.”
  • Be vulnerable. Be human. “If you talk about your feelings and use sentences that start with ‘I feel,’ well, that can make all the difference. If you come at them like: ‘RAWWRRRRR…. You did this bad thing!’ then of course the conversation is not going to go well.”
  • Pick your battles. “Take some time –it could be anywhere from 30 minutes to several hours– to determine if something is truly worth having a fight over. For example, if you decide to mull over an issue overnight and it’s still bothering you the next day, it’s probably worth addressing it with your significant other and not letting it fester.”
  • Choose your time wisely. “Finding the right time to talk is very important. It’s hard for me to have a calm conversation if an altercation starts as soon as I walk through the door after a long day at work. Please, give me at least 30 minutes to decompress! Another time that’s not good to start up a disagreement: 1am!”
  • Be respectful of your partner’s needs. “We all process situations and feelings differently. When you’re ready to really get in there and talk through an issue, your partner may still need time alone to think. It can be difficult, but try to find a compromise so that both partners are able to have a productive and respectful discussion.”

I hope you found some of this information helpful and interesting. If you have any advice you’d like to share – especially if you know how to master the ‘pretty cry,’ please send me a note or leave a comment. Until then, may your days be filled with smiles. And, if there are tears, may they be of joy!

*Kudos if you noticed the similarity to a scene from Sex and the City S06 E11.

Q&A with a Professional Organizer [‘How to Start Decluttering’ Edition]

This week’s guest blog post comes to us from Bonnie Dewkett, a certified professional organizer who began organizing as a child, and has been organizing ever since. Her company, The Joyful Organizer, creates and implements organizational systems for both the home and office. Passionate about helping others meet their organizational goals, Bonnie loves to see the positive impact that getting organized has on people’s lives.


“I need to declutter, but I’m having trouble letting go of sentimental items or practical things that I might need ‘someday.’ What should I do?”

The best thing is to ask yourself what it’s costing you to keep the item.  If you pay rent or a mortgage you’re paying a per foot cost for everything in your home.  If it’s not worth that cost, out it goes.  Many items can be replaced for much less than you are paying to store them.  Another question to ask yourself is: “If I moved today, would I pay someone to move this for me?”  If the answer is no, donate it.

For sentimental items, I suggest giving yourself (and every other family member in the household) a limit.  For example, one tote per person.  The items inside the tote can change over time, but keeping your sentimental items limited is key.

If something is very meaningful to you, consider finding a way to honor it. For example, before donating something, I like to take a photo of it. You could also consider projects such as framing a piece of a wedding dress, using a shadow box for jewelry, or making a quilt from old t-shirts.

“When I start organizing a very cluttered space (attic, garage, etc.). I get overwhelmed by the volume of stuff. How do I stay motivated when it feels like there’s no end in sight?”

Break every large organizing project down into smaller tasks.  If you’re organizing the garage, make yourself a list.  It might look like this:

  • Sort through boxes
  • Sweep the floor
  • Add in shelves
  • Buy totes
  • Hang garden tools

Breaking a large project down into tasks makes it seem less overwhelming. It also allows you to find the time for each smaller task.  If you’re sorting through a number of boxes, remove those boxes, one at a time to another space.  Going through them one at a time allows you to focus and keeps the feeling of being overwhelmed to a minimum.

DoNotStop

“Is there one product or tool that you think everyone should use to help them stay organized?”

I love binders.  By inserting page protectors you can store just about anything; take out menus, manuals for appliances, printables, photos, and so much more.  My other favorite is the over-the-door shoe rack.  These are available at just about every super store (and even some dollar stores) and they can hold ANYTHING.  I love to use them for toys, snacks, water bottles, first aid supplies, accessories like scarves and mittens, arts and crafts supplies or even dolls.

“If someone is looking for professional help, but they’re not sure about how to budget for it or what type of services to get, what advice would you give to them?”

There are lots of affordable options out there for every budget.  Many organizers will design a plan for you so that you know what to do and when to do it.  It takes the guesswork out of the process.  Other organizers can even help you virtually through phone calls or videoconference sessions.  This keeps you accountable and on task.  If you can’t afford an organizer, find an organizing buddy with a neighbor or friend.  Spend time helping each other get organized and holding each other accountable for your goals.

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joyful

For more information, visit The Joyful Organizer website or email info@thejoyfulorganizer.com.

Q&A with a Jeweler [Wedding Rings Edition]

Mom Pic (Resized)Peggy Woon is a GIA-accredited jeweler; now a retiree, she was in the jewelry industry for more than 30 years. For 28 years, she and her business partner co-owned the Silver Lining Jewelry store in Oakland, Calif.  Today, she spends her time spoiling 3 grandchildren and 2 German Shepherds, as well as volunteering with local non-profits. Unable to stay away from her first passion, she can also be found working the jewelry counter at the Oakland Museum of California’s White Elephant Sale and occasionally at Given Gold Jewelers on Piedmont Avenue.


What’s the most popular metal for wedding rings? 

For men, I see a trend toward more affordable metals like titanium, carbon fiber and tungsten; these bands are somewhere in the $200 to $300 range. They’re all alternative metals, used for cool applications like spaceships because they’re heat resistant or used to formulate new prosthetic pieces because they’re non-allergenic. These days, jewelers can do a lot of different styles for men’s bands by mixing in different metals to make the bands look fancier.

For women, for the past 10 years white gold -not so much platinum- has been more popular than yellow gold. I don’t think it will change any time soon. I don’t see yellow gold making a huge comeback, but lately people have been going for more rose gold. People think it looks warmer because of its pinky copper tone, but it’s harder to match other jewelry to it. If people do pair jewelry with rose gold, I typically see it paired with silver or white gold, rather than yellow gold.

What other wedding-related trends are you seeing?

You’ll always have some people looking for a big solitaire bling with a band against it, but in the last 4-5 years, the trend in wedding rings has moved toward something a little different – not necessarily a large solitaire diamond. Rather than a solitaire with a band against it, some are opting for a single band with diamonds all around it. Also, rings with color stones are becoming increasingly popular, such as emerald and sapphire.

Where should people store their most precious jewelry at home? 

Being in the jewelry business, we have heard many stories of jewelry theft. If you wear pieces often that are very valuable to you, please don’t store it in a jewelry box or an open container on your dresser or nightstand. That’s the first place robbers will look for valuables. It’s best to regularly put things in a very safe, but not obvious place. Just don’t forget where you hide your jewelry!

When it comes to the five C’s (cut, color, clarity,  certification, carat), are there areas people can compromise on, yet still get a beautiful-looking diamond?

  • For cut, you can compromise. It’s rather hard for the untrained eye to tell if a cut is good or bad. It’s about the precision of the cut; professionals often check the cuts by holding stones side by side and looking for how the stones reflect the light. When it comes to cut, its more about your preference. If it looks appealing to you, that is what matters. See if it sparkles in a way that you like and if it’s cut in a shape that you like.
  • For color, if you have a yellow-gold setting you can compromise on getting a diamond that’s more yellow-tone on the color scale; it won’t show as much due to the yellow-gold setting.”D” is a colorless diamond, but H, I  and J are more yellow.
  • For clarity, try not to compromise on this. The inclusions – such as carbon – in the diamond will darken the look of the stone.
  • For certifications: if you’re getting a diamond over 1 carat, try to get one that is certified; this is just for peace-of-mind. If you change insurance, certificates will stand over time. Whereas, if you get a diamond that isn’t certified, you may have to do reappraisals.
  • For carat, this is an area you can compromise on. Let’s say you are looking for a 2 carat diamond. Consider buying one that is just under 2 carats, such as 1.95 carats; it can lower the cost by 10-15% , but to the human eye, no one will be able to tell that it’s not 2 carats.

What are your recommendations when it comes to buying diamonds online?

Every retailer, whether online or not, will have good and bad customer reviews. I personally would prefer to go to a store and find a reputable person who has been dealing in diamonds for a long time so that I could see and touch the product. One online option to consider is Blue Nile; they specialize in diamonds and have a wide selection. One other uncommon brick and mortar option to consider: Costco. It’s one of the best buys around; they often have certified diamonds. People might feel funny saying their diamond came from Costco due to social stigma or pride, but the Costco jewelry selection is good and so are the prices.

This is part of an ongoing series of blog posts featuring experts